grandma shit on top of the toilet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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