I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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