first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
