My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
