she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
