I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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