Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
