Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You ruined the universe
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize