why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
