So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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