it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
