last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
