It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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