I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
