My first STD was from a foam party
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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