apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
