Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
