I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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