Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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