i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
