if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sorry about my life...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
