Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
