Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
