Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
