I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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