please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
third nipple confirmed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
