Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
