So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
