I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
