When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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