My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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