Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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