So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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