i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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