I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
