Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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