TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize