Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
