You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
