You can't special order awesome
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
