Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
