I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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