Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
