Ambien. No doubt about it.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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