You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
