my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
