Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
