So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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