Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
