I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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