why didn't you poke me back
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
