Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
