I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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