Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
