I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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