I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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