..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
