the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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