So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
