I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize