my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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