You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
