do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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