you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
