every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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