Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
