You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
